Escapegoat

His name was Godfrey. His prison nickname was “Goat”. He yearned for a normal life, but had never Toad the line for long enough to settle down.

He’d been arrested on a Poultry charge of Storking, which would have meant a non-custodial sentence had he not been caught Badgering a witness. Six months into his jail-time, Goat had taken the opportunity to escape. Since then he’d been on the Lamb, Pigs Dogging his every move.

It was raining heavily as Goat made his way to where his girlfriend Gwyneth lived. He knocked on the door. No response. Standing in the rain, he knocked again. Still nothing. He smelled a Rat. It was all very Fishy but what choice did he have?

Goat shouted himself Horse. Finally, the door opened.

Come in out of the Reindeer,” said Gwyneth.

“Hey Gwin, what kept ya?” said Goat, “I was starting to suspect Fowl play.”

He followed her into the house. Her sister, Anna, was on the phone.

“Quit Yakking,” said Goat to Anna, “Gotta make a call. Important business.”

Turning to Gwyneth he said, “Hey Gwin, throw some steaks on the Gorilla, I’m Ravenous.”

Then he went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Anna got off the phone. “He’s got some nerve,” she said to Gwyneth, “Swanning around like he owns the place. Important business ...what a load of Bull! Eel never treat ya right, jus’ like I always said. Don’t know how Ewe can bear it. Drives me Batty! In fact, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell ya…”

Goat came out of the bathroom, picked up the phone and called his sidekick, Leo.

“Hey Leo, Let’s talk Turkey. I’m on the Lamb and I need some Bucks. How much is in the Kitty?”

“Not much, Goat,” replied Leo, “I’ve had some big expenses…”

“Don’t you Monkey around with me!” snarled Goat. “You can Duck and weave all you like but I know there’s ten grand left from that last job. That Otter do it. Meet me in the usual place tomorrow at nine.”

Putting down the phone Goat was shocked to see Gwyneth pointing a gun at him.

“You filthy Cheetah!” she screamed, “Anna’s told me all about it…”

“She’s Lion, Gwin,” said Goat, “she’s conning you, I swear.”

Gwyneth suspected Anna was Lion. Had Anaconda? Maybe, maybe not. She wasn’t sure. But either she’d been Condor she hadn’t.

Goat sensed she was beginning to have her doubts. Then he had an idea.

“Pick up that PenGwin, and write this down,” he said, about to tell her the PIN of his Swiss bank account.

But then the police arrived. They entered the house and read Goat his rights. He listened with a Sheepish grin on his face. Then they cuffed him and led him away.

Published in NIGHTMERRIES: The Lighter Side of Darkness. This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously and grotesquely illustrated. For kindle, tablet, smartphone or e-reader.

HOME

eBooks by Cosmic Rapture
(for kindle, tablet, smartphone or e-reader.)

NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS. This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously and grotesquely illustrated.

AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?). We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.

MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS. A disturbing repository of quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.

MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS. An unholy corpus of oddities, strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms, including but not limited to barbaric episodes of herring-flinging and kipper-kissing. A cacklingly bizarre read that may induce fatal hysteria. Not Recommended!

FIENDS & FREAKS and serpents, dragons, devils, lobsters, anguished spirits, hungry ghosts, hell-beings, zombies, organ-grinders, anti-gods, gods and other horse-thieves you wouldn't want to meet in a dark cosmos. Immature Content! Adults Maybe.

HAGS TO HAGGIS. An obnoxious folio featuring a puke of whiskey-soaked war-nags, witches, maniacs, manticores and escapegoats. Not to mention (please don't!) debottlenecking and desilofication, illustrated. Take your brain for a walk on the wild side. Leave your guts behind.